Should I rant? I'll rant.

None of this is equal to what I deserve. Not the absolutely wonderful parts, and not the terrible ones either. I recognise that no one human is entitled to anything. Not love, health, home. No one human is entitled to lead a good life, with caring family and friends and someone who mirrors their soul, but...we all feel we deserve it, don't we? And while I feel opposite to this, that I deserve very little of anything, really...I still would like one or two things to work out, and while...some have, I... I am a wanter. I want things. I want a girl. I say a girl, as if any would do, but they wouldn't. I want a girl. I want a specific girl, who's name spikes and pricks my back and makes me hairs stand on edge, and when I see her it's... wrong. I don't deserve to be happy or have nice things. I don't. I don't deserve to be hugged when I desperately need a hug. I don't deserve to be fed when I desperately need food. I don't deserve shelter during a storm, or care over a wound I've received.
I want her. I...do not deserve her. I want her, but I don't think I'll ever get her, and that's...good. that's okay.

Is it?
I need to rant to stop myself from begging her to see me. I had the chance today. To see her. I turned her down because for once, I fucking have other plans and...now I'm complaining because I can feel it in the air aroound me...I need her. More than I need food, need water, need shelter. More than I need love I need HER. More than I need happiness and health, more than I need to feel needed.

I need her.
I need her and I won't say it.
I want her, and for every fucking cell worth
ANYTHING in my body I will definitely not say it.

I can wish.
I can hope.
I can pray.

But she's too far, and I accept this because I know, deep in my heart, I do not deserve her.
Entitlement deceives us, yet...                               this is the one thing I have wanted most in my heart.
Just her, and her self, and her for fucksake. But she's too far out.    She belongs to someone else,
if unknowing as to who yet, it will            never be me.


When I heard her name in the hospital, the first time I saw it...I was...I wanted.           And now I think it must have been months. Possibly. I met her in may, two days after my best friend's birthday. Oh, was it then?
But she's too far fucking out for me.                     She's too wonderful. We...there is no we.

Of course it falls to my grasp and slips right out within seconds.
You're starving and you get enough to feel the pang of needing more.
Of course.
I see this as endless.

Rip out my bones and paint them in blood.

Everyone leaves, there's no such thing as love. 

I wonder who fucking hates me apart from myself. 

I wonder if she'll see the me who's actually real. 

I wonder if she'll leave too. 

on systems

Imagine a world where the roads undertook
what the castles above on the edge overlooked
and in just your head you didn't get why
all the castles held power when up in the sky.
Imagine a world where the roads that have wound
drove your car past the rivers and the castles, around.
Where within your own mind, though of course it's all set
it's the thoughts you had come to beyond orders met.
Now question who chooses what goes where who says what
question the thoughts that they force on you muts.
To the rebels! the badlands! It's us who drive lives
within castles and stone walls we'll NEVER reside
Because if you look, it's us who steer wheels.
Past the castles who watch us, with such twisted ideals.
It's US who drive lives, remember this well.
If they catch you, they've caught you, but you're driving still.
Make choices that shape you because if you do not
the castles will crumble, and the roads too, with shock.

I do, (I do recall) mentioning that
oh but nevermind.
I mean I miss you but you've let me go
and that's where I'll be if you're out looking.

I'll be gone
and you won't find me
because now I'm positive
that you've moved on.

Gamble Everything for Love - Ben Lee


Even my sanity, Ben. Even my sanity.