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Thursday, August 25, 2011

Should I rant? I'll rant.

None of this is equal to what I deserve. Not the absolutely wonderful parts, and not the terrible ones either. I recognise that no one human is entitled to anything. Not love, health, home. No one human is entitled to lead a good life, with caring family and friends and someone who mirrors their soul, but...we all feel we deserve it, don't we? And while I feel opposite to this, that I deserve very little of anything, really...I still would like one or two things to work out, and while...some have, I... I am a wanter. I want things. I want a girl. I say a girl, as if any would do, but they wouldn't. I want a girl. I want a specific girl, who's name spikes and pricks my back and makes me hairs stand on edge, and when I see her it's... wrong. I don't deserve to be happy or have nice things. I don't. I don't deserve to be hugged when I desperately need a hug. I don't deserve to be fed when I desperately need food. I don't deserve shelter during a storm, or care over a wound I've received.
I want her. not deserve her. I want her, but I don't think I'll ever get her, and that's...good. that's okay.

Is it?
I need to rant to stop myself from begging her to see me. I had the chance today. To see her. I turned her down because for once, I fucking have other plans I'm complaining because I can feel it in the air aroound me...I need her. More than I need food, need water, need shelter. More than I need love I need HER. More than I need happiness and health, more than I need to feel needed.

I need her.
I need her and I won't say it.
I want her, and for every fucking cell worth
ANYTHING in my body I will definitely not say it.

I can wish.
I can hope.
I can pray.

But she's too far, and I accept this because I know, deep in my heart, I do not deserve her.
Entitlement deceives us, yet...                               this is the one thing I have wanted most in my heart.
Just her, and her self, and her for fucksake. But she's too far out.    She belongs to someone else,
if unknowing as to who yet, it will            never be me.

When I heard her name in the hospital, the first time I saw it...I was...I wanted.           And now I think it must have been months. Possibly. I met her in may, two days after my best friend's birthday. Oh, was it then?
But she's too far fucking out for me.                     She's too wonderful. We...there is no we.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Of course it falls to my grasp and slips right out within seconds.
You're starving and you get enough to feel the pang of needing more.
Of course.
I see this as endless.