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Friday, October 29, 2010

Creatures I

Step back and breathe
you're drowning it
the creature you are
the creature you've been
Dry your hands
it's finally gone.
You can walk away
you're finally free.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


When you can sit on top of a wooden fort in your back yard with someone and talk about everything. That's nice, when it's cold and you're freezing and you can talk about those things you just wouldn't say... You can say them, and it's okay, and you just smile, because for once, you're not even really scared.
Thanks, Ellie.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

They always fit

There are people you're supposed to meet, and I've met a great deal of them.
They always know.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Green means go

And isn't it such a clichéd moment when you wake up one day and realize you've made friends-
real friends-
and smile?
Isn't it such a clichéd moment when you realize you're happy because you let everything go for a moment?

Friends that you can count on, and when you don't think you deserve them, or even need them, really
well, they're still there. They're offering help when you didn't even realize you needed it.
The only problem order to return the favour, you probably need to be sane.
It's most likely things will go smoother if you're actually functioning on a human ledge. But is it possible you fell too far?

I am a naturally curious person, and for years I've been hoping it'll kill me. But how do you climb back up when you're not sure where that is?
Damn society's values, and damn what is right. There's boundaries to be crossed.
In daylight.

Monday, October 25, 2010


I find that sort of unfair. As loving a gesture as it is, I think it's incredibly unfair of you to just go and do that when you know I used to have feelings for you. I mean, so what if they didn't last? Nothing does. But what if they came back?
I feel like you're taunting me. Like you're doing everything you can to confuse me. Mess around with my head, just because you can. And you can.

All those notes, those little notes you wrote? I still have them in that box, you know. They're just waiting there because I'm really not sure what to do with them. They are lies, but, cute lies, and ...I can't bring myself to throw them out, especially seeing as you'd ask about them later.

There need to be rules.
We need to have rules that we will both follow.

I'm the one in the wrong, and yet, I'm playing it off perfectly well. I'm trying to do everything in my power to make it go away, and look. It's fucking gone.
So it's your turn to step up now.
I know you don't feel things that way. So step up and ...well, step down.

See, it's're right. Maybe I wouldn't want to do it. Considering we'd say what we already know? I'd say those words again, and you'd say yours. The same script as ever.
And it'll hurt just the same, but not really, because I don't have a heart to break.

It'll go away.

Let it go.

Saturday, October 23, 2010


No, I've never even heard your voice. I've never even held your hand.
I can imagine you're lovely all I like, but you're not technically real. 

Friday, October 22, 2010

Costume change

You can't write this stuff, you know.
You can't write it because you're too drunk to remember but you have the sense that
no, something turned out right when you swore,
-yes, swore-
you'd never be that person.
Something turned out right, perfectly wrong when you said
this isn't me anymore.

Change is great,
maybe you'll like yourself this time.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

There's always another chance for those of you whose hearts still beat.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

No you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't no you don't you were lying you don't
you really don't.


Rock your bones you're

Monday, October 18, 2010


Because, fuck. Something might actually be wrong.

Do you see that person over there? No? Oh, me neither.

No, but that would be deceitful to say, but what else am I?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Out of my head

You pulled me out of my head
and into the world.
I clung tight but
when you let go I forgot
to pull the string and soar.

The breeze tore my skin apart
and I fell under the sea
until I was in over my head.

Now I'm drowning and
I'm trying to get inside my head
and to a
happier place
to die.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

A thought

I expect you realize that quitting decision lasted a total of one day. Everything was going so well, too.
It's fine. I'm content to say- or actually, no. I'm not really. But I will say, everything that's final in my life changes.
"Go to school" and they've accepted I slept through an entire week at home.
"Stopped cutting" and that's the moment I slice through.
"Stopped smoking" and I picked then to see how fast I could smoke a cigarette and how many.
"You'll never be as thin as me" and I stopped eating for a week, followed by similar long periods of time.

It just--nothing sticks. If you tell me I'm stupid I'm generally going to prove you wrong. If you tell me to stay, I'll leave.
Like your words dig in as deep as they can get but I poison them and twist them.
"Go to school" becomes a challenge.
"Oh, really? It's mandatory, is it? We'll see."
If you tell me I shouldn't be doing something I'm most likely to start doing it.
"Don't smoke"
"Don't drink"
"Don't chew gum in school" even. Although that's hardly a challenge because I've never not chewed gum in school.
Maybe it's bad.
Maybe it's good, actually. Who am I to judge?

I'm just oddly annoyed, because if someone tells me to smoke in order to make me stop, I'll know. So I'll smoke more and more to the point where my lungs are dying. I'll cut further, I'll skip more, I'll stay out later and come home less frequently and sleep less and eat much less and...
It's bad. I've decided.
Tell me someone's going to hurt me and I'll laugh.
If you tell me something's going to happen, you can bet your sorry ass it won't.
"You're going to cry", or even "You may cry".
No. No, I'm not going to cry, and would you like to know why? Because you're anticipating that I will. You're so sure that tears will make their escape, but no. No, because I'm going to prove you wrong and you're going to feel like shit.

But something else.
I'll prove myself wrong too.
"This is great, I'm doing so well. I'm going to make it a full straight month without skipping school" becomes "Fucking cunts, why in the nine hells did I decide to ride the subway all day instead?"
Not even.
I'm happy, so I go and think to myself (somewhere in the back of my skull) "Oh, I'm happy, am I?" And then it's like, "Oh, I'll change that!"
Just fucking twisted, a bit.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Me too

"But I'm thinking of what Sarah said."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Meeka, there's something going on in my head. I only feel safe telling you.
It's not really every-day life anymore. There's voices in my head and they're starting to make decisions for me.
I'm not stopping them. I'm curious to see where they go. But I think they've made a mistake.

I've quit hurting myself for you, but that's only physically that I have control. I don't think you know what's happening inside my head right now. I don't think I can explain it.
Just...I'm letting you know something's wrong.
I quit smoking for you. To give you hope, maybe? So maybe you'll quit.

I quit cutting.
I ...I worked really hard, but inside it's working against me and I think I've really fucked it over.
I don't have hope anymore.
I don't mind.

I want to leave something good behind.

There's no escape

I may just have made
the biggest mistake

Monday, October 11, 2010

If you really knew me...


We are not events, 

We are


We are not words,

We are


We are not thoughts,

We are 






We are what's left when someone leaves,

We are

what's inside.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Help I'm alive

I wake up to
cardboard, we're FLAT, we're FLAT but
if I eat a single thing
I'll lose it.

There's no room for failure
there's no room for food.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


The sad solidity is that our expectations are crap.
We're hoping for happiness, but the pursuit of such is damaging to our mental health. And as it is, that reverses and turns over all of our work like a pot full of rain water. More closely, though, a toy dump-truck abandoned in the backyard, muddy from the dirt clinging to it's wet plastic.
And we're told to think more clearly, more normally. But what is normalcy, if we think about it?
Our heads are empty. Shake, shake, shake, but nothing comes out. We can feel the water sloshing around from the pool...smell the chlorine burning through our skull, but... Nothing. There's absolutely nothing left.
We let rules and regulations eat us apart until we were normal. 
Until we were happy, we were sad.
The sad solidity is that we expect to be happy, to search for happiness. But, in Mr.Reality's world...we're meant to finish our empty lives alone, shuddering.
Tremble, tremble, and you choke and fall.
And no one bats and eye because that's the circle of life.


She keeps sm-smiling-
walking up behind me, "Boo!"-
and taking her time to say-
more like laugh, really-

She keeps looking over-
eyes from her work to mine-
and making a face-
just a face-
so I'll know she's still around.

It's a connection-
but I mean, not really.
It's a connection,
but not really at all. 

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Not beautiful at all

Hugs from strangers and
meeting people who say
"You're beautiful"
a million times over
but that's inside
and that's where we lie.

Walking up along-side
on bikes and cars and calling
out, "Hot damn, Ow, OW!"
I don't look because they're
just not talking to me,
I'm ugly
on the inside.

Let's meet someone tonight
let's break hearts tonight.
Let's meet everyone
the music's up
let's meet everyone
and break some hearts because
we're ugly on the inside.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Nuit Blanche

We'll explore the city
we'll see everything
there is
to see.