Search This Blog

Saturday, October 16, 2010

A thought

I expect you realize that quitting decision lasted a total of one day. Everything was going so well, too.
It's fine. I'm content to say- or actually, no. I'm not really. But I will say, everything that's final in my life changes.
"Go to school" and they've accepted I slept through an entire week at home.
"Stopped cutting" and that's the moment I slice through.
"Stopped smoking" and I picked then to see how fast I could smoke a cigarette and how many.
"You'll never be as thin as me" and I stopped eating for a week, followed by similar long periods of time.

It just--nothing sticks. If you tell me I'm stupid I'm generally going to prove you wrong. If you tell me to stay, I'll leave.
Like your words dig in as deep as they can get but I poison them and twist them.
"Go to school" becomes a challenge.
"Oh, really? It's mandatory, is it? We'll see."
If you tell me I shouldn't be doing something I'm most likely to start doing it.
"Don't smoke"
"Don't drink"
"Don't chew gum in school" even. Although that's hardly a challenge because I've never not chewed gum in school.
Maybe it's bad.
Maybe it's good, actually. Who am I to judge?

I'm just oddly annoyed, because if someone tells me to smoke in order to make me stop, I'll know. So I'll smoke more and more to the point where my lungs are dying. I'll cut further, I'll skip more, I'll stay out later and come home less frequently and sleep less and eat much less and...
It's bad. I've decided.
Tell me someone's going to hurt me and I'll laugh.
If you tell me something's going to happen, you can bet your sorry ass it won't.
"You're going to cry", or even "You may cry".
No. No, I'm not going to cry, and would you like to know why? Because you're anticipating that I will. You're so sure that tears will make their escape, but no. No, because I'm going to prove you wrong and you're going to feel like shit.

But something else.
I'll prove myself wrong too.
"This is great, I'm doing so well. I'm going to make it a full straight month without skipping school" becomes "Fucking cunts, why in the nine hells did I decide to ride the subway all day instead?"
Not even.
I'm happy, so I go and think to myself (somewhere in the back of my skull) "Oh, I'm happy, am I?" And then it's like, "Oh, I'll change that!"
Just fucking twisted, a bit.

No comments:

Post a Comment