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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Inside I

Through my window
sits the world;
how heavy and how bare.
Fires came
and fires went
but they forgot me here.

Out II

If I'd said, "Burnt everything
but me" you'd just see pride.
But since I told you they forgot
you hear me much more right.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Not a friend
and not a foe
among the crowds I shudder.
Not a voice
and not a thought
behind the gates I stutter.
But what's it like
deep in your heart,
with all the fate and love?
From way back here
the clothes all itch,
and in my heart,
there's none.


Barred behind
your guards aren't trying
what is this,
a game?
Twist my bones and
break my wrist
I am going home.

Captivity at Night

His voice spins
past the blindfold.
Around the room the walls are spinning
So fast the walls become a wall
One singular sphere that I am stuck inside
with him
and him alone.

John's Shadows

I sit uncomfy on the on the chance
that something's going wrong.
I say I'm fine I float away
so what about my John?
I didn't say when I was bed
because who really cares?
But he can't speak and yes I know
being eaten by your fears.
So lad John, my darling boy
if something's not quite right...
my body's yours to hold so close;
to hold forever tight.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010


Instant pang
of SHOUTING in my head
I can't breathe.

I need I need
pressure on my skin and head
to think at any rate I am
am I alive.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

This part hurts like hell

You're right. I want to cut everything off and be the bones under my skin. Your words are perfect for me to crawl inside of, but you keep pulling me back out as soon as I've found safety. The next best thing is half a world away. Do you want me to cross the snow-covered fields and go hungry like an animal?
Well what did you expect?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Second letter sent

"I don't know what to say because it's hardly really anything at all, but...
I think everything here is used up and I should leave because my family is a dead-end and I haven't even been back to school and the ...
Well I'm not sure what to call it, but the thing my doctor contacted about my quote "issues" is going to take at least two months for the waiting list, and everything is just ridiculous. 
I want to move away and be someone else, who didn't fall in love with her (straight) best friend and a boy who...didn't wait around, to say the least. 
I want to be someone who isn't afraid to go to school, who isn't afraid to talk to people, or leave the house even.
I want to be someone completely different, who doesn't think the way I do, or the thoughts I do, and someone who isn't me at all. 

This house is crumbling and dead, my parents don't even love each other anymore. I don't see why they're still together other than "for us kids", but we hate them being together because all they do is yell and it makes everything tense and uncomfortable. 
I was clean, cutting wise, for months. Not even a single cut since before school started. Since that week I spent round Meeka's in the summer. But things have gone for a turn towards terror, and it really fucking blows. I found way better ways to hurt myself because I had to make my thoughts stop screaming. 
I'm sick and tired of this whole, entire life now. I feel like at 14, I'm already used up and wrinkled. Time folded my skin over and over with scars, with experience in all the wrong things. 
This isn't okay anymore and neither am I. 

I think I want to move away or die now."

Monday, December 6, 2010

Letters sent

"Sometimes I'm a terrible person. 
My head is really done in. And I feel really bad for anyone who gets stuck with me, because I'm just...I'm really almost out of a control. Like I'm holding on but I'm not, really.

I'm holding on to my sanity but sometimes I step on it's fingers, and sometimes it's holding onto me. Sometimes it's barely got a grip on me and I slide it's fingers off the edge, and I watch myself do it from inside my head, and I know I shouldn't. But I do. I have another drink, another puff. I ditch another day of school. I cut one another line. I write another word.
Sometimes it's like, even when I'm just sitting on the subway train or something, from behind my glasses, I feel someting click and it's like a door's opened...and in walks everything I don't want to think about, and I just lose touch with sanity and logic and common sense, and I lose touch with gravity that's holding me down, and it's like I'm up in the sky, and...I'm afraid of falling.

I'm ranting now.
But darling...I always fall, and it's like I die. And then I have trouble believing I'm alive, and trouble seeing why i should live."

"Because at least if I'm living for someone else, at least that's a reason. A solid reason, and reasons are like anchors. And without them ...well, something's got to hold me down, so obviously the boat needs to go under the water so I don't float away, and then..well I sort of drown."

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Awake or is it dreaming

How awake are we that our eyes burn.
55, 56, 57... Monsters crawl across our toes,
we're laughing with our friend, the ghost
and sleep escapes our dreary grasp yet again.
"Closer, my dear," calls Death.
We shut off the lights, and look at the regrets that found.
No, you horrible nightmare, you. 
I forbid you to enter my bedroom.
Flip the hourglass upside right over
a thousand times so much we forgot which side is up.
Our world is topsy turvy,
this dream a copy of the last.
I've seen this all before, we think.
We wonder how much time has passed.