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Monday, December 6, 2010

Letters sent

"Sometimes I'm a terrible person. 
My head is really done in. And I feel really bad for anyone who gets stuck with me, because I'm just...I'm really almost out of a control. Like I'm holding on but I'm not, really.

I'm holding on to my sanity but sometimes I step on it's fingers, and sometimes it's holding onto me. Sometimes it's barely got a grip on me and I slide it's fingers off the edge, and I watch myself do it from inside my head, and I know I shouldn't. But I do. I have another drink, another puff. I ditch another day of school. I cut one another line. I write another word.
Sometimes it's like, even when I'm just sitting on the subway train or something, from behind my glasses, I feel someting click and it's like a door's opened...and in walks everything I don't want to think about, and I just lose touch with sanity and logic and common sense, and I lose touch with gravity that's holding me down, and it's like I'm up in the sky, and...I'm afraid of falling.

I'm ranting now.
But darling...I always fall, and it's like I die. And then I have trouble believing I'm alive, and trouble seeing why i should live."

"Because at least if I'm living for someone else, at least that's a reason. A solid reason, and reasons are like anchors. And without them ...well, something's got to hold me down, so obviously the boat needs to go under the water so I don't float away, and then..well I sort of drown."

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