Saturday, July 31, 2010
My head's empty.
For a silent second, I stop breathing and close my eyes, in the dark of my bedroom, things are fine.
I forget my regrets, my fears, my worries. There's nothing in my head, things are absolutely still.
Darkness washes over my eyelids in a soothing motion: up, and down. Up, and down.
After four seconds (and counting), I open my eyes and breathe in, letting my lungs fill up with stuffy bedroom air that tastes like gingerbread oils and axe.
It's calm, until my brain kick-starts back into motion.
Then I remember all that's ever happened in the darkness. There's the anxiety, and the air gets too thick to fit in my lungs. My head starts feeling really heavy, really dense.
Around me, the walls grow shadows and start moving in; closer, closer, 'til I'm surrounded.
The white faces touch my cheek, writing rubbing off and seeping into my head.
"And she was so quiet her head POPPED" the words say.
I immediately regret writing that.
POPPED, POPPED, POPPED, POPPED...
My head's too fuzzy to understand. The words start screaming. Shouting and bursting into fits of laughter in the pauses they take to breathe.
I can't stand it.
"ENOUGH!" I try to shout, but it comes out as a whimper and I almost want to cry.
This shouldn't happen. I should be asleep. I should be sleeping, and dreaming, and things should be fine.
"She was so QUIET," they shout. "So QUIET, her head POPPED!"
I squeeze my eyes shut tight and hum to myself. But the melody gets twisted and soon I've lost it.
"IT WASN'T MY FUCKING FAULT," I shout. "I was DRUNK!"
There's silence for a frightening second, and then the room bursts with it's dark voices, sickeningly angry.
"And the other time?"
I reach along my headboard for my light, trying to find the switch.
"AND THE OTHER TIME?"
My hand is slapped back with the lick of a knife.
"Th- that wasn't my fault..." My voice wavers.
The door bursts open to my cat standing there, meowing loudly.
I look at him, squinting from the light of the hallway.
"Shadow," I say. "Thank-you."
He meows and jumps up onto the end of my bed, just touching my feet. Once he's found the most comfortable spot, he lays down and starts purring, to ward off any negative activity.
He sleeps, and I close my eyes, once again ready to face the night.
"My Shadow," I say. "He's always here to protect me. Everywhere I go. My little warrior."
There's silence in the room.